I want to be better at this. I thought I would be better at this. It sucks I’m not better at this.
I know I should practice what I preach. I know wanting to be a “good Mum” makes me a good Mum. I know that I should stand in front of the mirror and say “I AM good enough!” I know that each time I think the opposite I should counter it with a positive message but then (especially today) there is a voice saying “Not you..”, “That doesn’t apply to you…”.
I thought that I would be an amazing Mother. I was a fantastic babysitter/nanny and kids adored me. I thought that was all the qualification I would need. I thought my passion and commitment to being the “Best Mum Ever” would be all I needed, I didn’t realise those same traits would make it an unobtainable goal.
I didn’t realise I had so much healing to do. Even thinking this and writing this. I realise those wounds go deep. Those triggers go deep. Those hurtful voices are loud and powerful and right now, I don’t feel like a match for them.
So why am I sharing this?
Why am I pushing past this shame and anxiety to distribute this?
Why am I taking the risk that my professional message may be tainted by this deeply personal one?
Why am I leaning into this rawness and vulnerability?
On one hand I have absolutely NO idea and think I should listen to the loud and clear voice telling me to “delete, delete, delete” but (more importantly) I am risking it all because I want YOU to read this today, good parent. I want you to see that we can be all and nothing and this and that and both and neither.
I want to tell you what I plan to do with all these feelings and why.
The first thing I will do is have a good ole cry and let the tears heal me and then I will get myself some Listening Time, I will look into my children’s eyes and see that I’m not a failure and that despite what I was just told by my child earlier they DO love me and in their eyes I will also remember why this is all so important to me and why I must keep growing and healing and treating myself with more kindness.
Kristin Neff says to treat yourself as you would a best friend. If my best friend shared this with me, I would have that Queen’s back! I would tell her she is amazing and doing a fantastic job and that that voice in her head needs to get ******* lost!
So to you, dear one.. I say that. I also want to say, I get it… I really do. I see you and you deserve to be loved and worshiped and I know you’re doing a great job.. even if it doesn’t always feel like it!
With love, compassion and solidarity,
Chantal aka Aunty Ask xx